Dear Internet, Do Your Magic Please

Magical, wonderful things happen on the internet. Obviously, horrible things do as well, but fuck that negative shit. So Internet, please find me a man’s. (“Man’s” being my new favorite term because it’s the possessive tense of man, so he’s MY man. Who’s man’s? My man’s.)

Say whatttttt??? Yeah this is fucking weird, but hear me out. Being in a relationship is super fun, and I want some of that fun. The internet is just an extension of dating apps and I haven’t had any success there so here we are.

Internet, please send me a man’s with Danish sensibilities, an Australian sense of humor, and California ambition. Not LA ambition, California ambition. I’ll break it down.

The Danes are a very sensible people. Have you ever been to Copenhagen? It’s insane! Everyone is so polite, they ride bikes everywhere with elegance (shout out to maintaining your fitness without wearing Merrells, I’m looking at you Portland) and I didn’t hear any catcalling! Danes have a whole thing about not being flashy or attention seeking and that’s fucking sexy. Everyone is just trying to live their best lives in the least complicated way. Being an extremely sensitive Cancer (I’m operating at a higher emotional frequency than you are bitch), I cannot be a simple person. I want to live a wonderful minimalist existence and I want my mans to help me live in such a way. Also I want a liberal socialist Dane, so (for more ways than one) Trump supporters need not apply.

Every Australian I’ve ever met is the life of the party, but not in an attention seeking way (that’s weak shit, I need the real deal). I need someone who can keep up as I make conversation with every single person I come across. I’m not super “ha ha” funny, so I need someone else to make me ha ha all day long. Step up bro. *Caveat* Guys, please have the emotional maturity to know when joking is okay and when it isn’t. If you try to make jokes when I’m upset I will cut you out of my life so fast. I no longer speak to the fools who made that mistake in the past. Read the room. This is not an impossible task I promise, just be an adult human with adult human socialization and we’re g2g.

California ambition has less to do with trying to gain as much capital wealth as possible and more about a man’s who has agency in his life. Someone who gets shit done and loves to move. Let’s run around. I like to MOVE! Let’s go walk around, let’s go to a fun restaurant, let’s go do something new or let’s go do that same thing we do every weekend. But LET’S GO! In California we have access to all the fun city things AND we have amazing hiking spots, a plethora of ocean activities, and access to some of the best mountain ranges in the country. I love all these things, city and outdoorsy things (I refuse to camp though, so don’t even try me). Let’s fucking go, California!

These are qualities I’m looking for. And muscles. I’m a sucker for a giant muscular man. Sweet Jesus I love a big man.

So let’s find me a man’s sooner rather than later shall we? Thanks, for listening internet.